When kids are bad they’re awful, but when they’re good they’re flipping brilliant. Especially when that brilliance comes out of nowhere and leaves you crying with laughter on the school run. Enter kid insults.
The other morning, my littlest, Ted (8), was chatting away in the back of the car. He was moaning about some disagreement he’d had with his big brother, the details of which were too boring to listen to. But then he said something brilliant.
‘Arthur’, he said, ‘is a day-old willy’.
A what what now?
‘A day-old willy.’
Not even a fresh one? God knows where he got this from, nor why a stale willy was the worst insult he could come up with that day, but it was so funny that it got me wondering what other subversive humour kids come up with to insult their siblings, parents and friends.
Happily, my fellow parents were keen to help out.
‘Jesse’s go-to is “Knucklehead, jerk, bugger brat”,’ says Franky. ‘Usually spat at his father with much disgust’. Dramatic… We especially like Jesse’s 50s American vibe.
Emily said that her son Eli can often be found shouting “you absolute brute!” at his brother. ‘He’s listened to too much Famous Five’, she says.
“You’re a flaming carrot bar!” makes frequent appearances in Eleanor’s house, while Lucy’s daughter Evie got in trouble at school for something she said to a classmate.
‘After many tears and much stomping around the house, she finally fessed up to what she’d done. Imagine my horror when she eventually blurted out: “I told her that her granny couldn’t knit!”’ Ouch, that’s below the belt Evie.
Alice remembers her brother Jack calling her sister Emily “a digweed”. How did they retaliate? ‘We called him Lucy Green to wind him up’. Harsh.
Mel’s son Levi was an early insulter, with “you’re a flipping sick head” uttered at the tender age of four-and-a-half. She’s a proud mum.
Katie’s son Dylan was also quick off the mark aged three with the quality “cheese monkey”.
But props to Graham’s son Brendan who came out with this rather sinister one, aimed at his cousin: ‘You’ll get to grandma and granddad’s in the car called a HEARSE. Do you know what a hearse is? It’s a car that goes to funerals.’ Dark, Brendan! We love it.