Molar moolah! Beano’s alternative Tooth Fairy rates

SHARE

Teeth are brilliant. Like, really brilliant. Brilliant for smiling and chewing and biting (and biting off more than you can chew). Yes, that’s teeth. Brilliant. Bring it.

But talk to a nipper and they will say teeth are rubbish. All that getting big and small and BIG AGAIN and having to clean them rather than play Minecraft and… Well, rubbish.

But teeth actually ARE brilliant for kids because when they fall out, they turn into cold hard cash thanks to the Tooth Fairy! Yes, the Tooth Fairy – originator of the Ponzi scheme that actually works as missing teeth turns into cash which buys sweets which loosens teeth which turns into cash which… You can see why we though that Ponzi scheme analogy worked. You can also see why we’re a bit narked as parents are the ones that pay out with no return.

But according to recent studies by Stemprotect.co.uk, it’s not a level playing field with the exchange rate for manky molars differing across the nation. Check this out:

The study, which looked at 2,000 families across the UK, showed the following ‘going rates’ for the Tooth Fairy:

  • Bradford – 50 pence
  • Edinburgh – 75 pence
  • Nottingham – £1.00
  • Manchester – £1.20
  • Bristol – £1.25
  • London – £1.50
  • Leeds – £1.50
  • Harrogate – £2.50

So what do you do? What do kids ask for? What do you sneak under the pillow at midnight? Where is this exchange rate posted and do the value of shares go down as well as up?

 

We at Beano HQ have had enough! Ignore the above and instead stick to our new Gummy Nashers And Sweetie Hell Exchange Rate (GNASHER). Oh, and while this is all for LOLz, we’ve actually researched the years that teeth fall out so don’t @ us – this is science yeah.

tooth x ray

Central Incisors (lower: 6-7 years old; upper: 7-8 years old)
Lateral Incisors (lower: 7-8 years old; upper: 8-9 years old)
Nothing. Gappy front teeth may look good but just wobble about for ages (EAT AN APPLE!) and at eight, they’ll probably just spend the money on Match Attax or lose it. Cruel but hey, you’re paying the Uni fees so consider this preemptive payback.

Canines (lower: 9-11 years old, upper: 11-12 years old)
Decent. Proper teeth plus they’re old enough to expect cash now. Have a couple of quid for each one. They can buy a big bottle of Mountain Dew and see if it dissolves teeth to FRIGHTEN THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOU.

First Molars (lower: 10-12 years old, upper: 9-11 years old)
We’re in fiver territory now as TBH I bet those bloody hurt. Ways to get that fiver back include ‘Lend dad a fiver so he doesn’t have to go to the cashpoint’, ‘Give us that tooth money and I’ll buy us all chips – there’s a fiver in my wallet when we get home’ and/or common theft when they’re asleep after a double shot of Calpol.

Teenage Teeth Knocked Out Due To Inevitable Sporting Incident
Okay, fair play. This is A&E territory. The Tooth Fairy will buy us all an Uber, a new set of gum shields and then spent ten quid per tooth on soft food for a week. Marshmallows. Soup. Maybe a curry if they’ve been weened properly.

SCRAP!!!! PILE ON!!!
Seriously, as much as we train our little ones to avoid fights, it can happen – that playground tussle about Liverpool’s away form that gets out of hand. So whilst the evil genius in us wants to incentivise a win, we’ll be sensible here and say twenty quid a tooth plus a stern talking to if it was you who started it. Clever, right?

Wisdom Teeth
If your nipper is ‘lucky’ enough to have to get these removed (Beano fact: the average wisdom teeth removakl is between 16-20 but sometimes it’s as early as 12-13 years old), then we are talking serious moolah as this one really bloody hurts. Fifty quid each. Tell us we’re wrong.

Gnasher Loses A Tooth In A Postman
To be honest, we’ve incentivised him. He gets to keep all the Housing Benefit cheques he can eat. They still do Housing Benefit, right? I feel so old.

 

Enough silliness. A question: what’s the worse excuse you’ve given after forgetting to leave money under your child’s pillow?